Trying out different greetings. How do we like that one? I was born and spent the first twelve years of my life in Texas, so it seemed fitting. Anyhow, I was thinking about sex tonight. Not the act of sex so much, but the idea that as a girl I can be sexual, even overtly so.
I grew up in a home, even a culture where as a girl I was taught to be conservative. Women didn’t dress provocatively; we don’t make jokes about sex, or do ridiculous things like ogle men. I grew up with the idea that women didn’t watch porn, go to strip clubs, or hangout in groups having dirty conversations about the things we had done or would do. Sex was not something women pursued or admitted much about. Walking, talking virgin Marys. I have just never been able to shake the feeling that sex is a boy’s club thing.
To be fair, the first twelve years of my life I grew up in a very religious culture. The rest of my life has been a free for all, but we can talk about that some other time. I’m sure that most of my thoughts on this come from those first twelve years. Even in that religious culture, it was still much more acceptable, even expected that men would talk about/ watch/ participate in sexually related things, and women would just blush politely when it was brought up.
It might surprise you to know, considering I write romance and erotica, but I still feel awkward about being open regarding sex. I still feel judged and ashamed. It is the main reason I use a pen name and not my name to write. I want to be able to promote my writing without the judgment of those in my day to day life, say the people I work with.
I was at a Facebook romance book release party tonight. If you have not been to one, GO! They are so much fun. Mostly it is girls posting pictures of men missing their clothing, and talking dirty. Really dirty. It was this party that got me thinking about tonight’s topic. Well, sorta. Really it was the fact that right after I sat here shamelessly posting pics of naked, beautiful men, and using words like lick-able, I went to post a much less provocative pic on Twitter and paused.
I didn’t want to post the pic on Twitter because I was afraid of what people might think. This is stupid considering my followers on Twitter all know me as a romance and erotica writer. Thing is, I was worried that they might think of me as less intellectual, or even sluttish, or shallow. I was worried about the other writers that follow me, and not so much those that follow me as readers or lovers of romance books.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized it is the men that follow me that I was most concerned with. After going to enough of these FB release parties I know just how dirty my fellow ladies are. I know that I’m not the only one that enjoys a beautiful man or having a place to be forward about it. We just do it behind closed doors (or in private FB parties). We do, however, judge each other in public, and I think that is just to save face.
So why is it that no one bats an eye when a man talks about a woman having a nice rack or ass, but people cringe when a girl talks about men that way? Is it the same for me to say a dude is packing, or that I wouldn’t mind finding out if he is?
I’ve spent a lot of time in bars. My parents owned one I worked in growing up, along with several others. Currently most of my friends work at a sports bar. I hear the way the guys talk about the girls that are not afraid to express their desires, thoughts, and selves regarding sex. Those are sluts, trashy, or girls that are less classy than the rest of us. Except that they aren’t. They’re just braver than most of us, or don’t give a shit about the unjust judgment. I also have heard the vilest things come out of these same men’s mouths, but they don’t suffer the same judgment.
So here it is for what it’s worth. I like the human form, men and women (though not equally). I sometimes think dirty things when I see a form that appeals to me particularly, as I am sure men also do. If you have a nice mouth (yes we’ve talked about this before) I might think them while you’re talking to me. Some of the things I think or say might be considered objectifying. I like to think of it as appreciating, and don’t care that men do the same. I like strip clubs. Yep, not just tolerate them, like them. I’ve been known to scroll through a porn site, though with no regularity. The first nonfiction book I read was Jenna Jameson’s, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. I am human and there for somewhat sexual in nature. Being a girl doesn’t change that.
I can be all, and do all of the things above and not be “dirty”. I can still be classy and intellectual. It doesn’t mean I sleep around or that I want to. I have not, nor do I want to do all of the things I write in sex scenes for books. I do enjoy writing them, however (along with all of the other parts of the book and yes, there are other parts).
So this was supposed to be freeing in some way and I’m thinking it really isn’t. I know I’ll still second guess making that dirty joke or posting the yummy pics I find. I will still blush (and hate that I do it) when people say things that are sexual in nature to me. I won’t start posting things under my given name, and I’ll think about what you all think of me after I post this. I’ll post it anyway.
Ladies, stay fabulously you. Be crazy, love what you love, and feel no shame. Men, in too many ways we are just you with boobs and nicer asses.
May B.B. (The, I can be a good girl (sometimes), Writer)